June 7th 2013

I guess I should be happy. I just got out of school, finally finished my sophomore year and am leaving tomorrow to go traveling for three weeks, without parents. Yet I can't bring myself to smile.
I just cut into my wrists for the first time in months. I thought I'd finally gotten over that, but apparently I'm still the weak, fucking idiot I was back in the spring. The same idiot I've been my entire life and that I'll probably keep on being for a long time.
I wish I weren't so bleedingly stupid. It'd be nice, sometimes, to be able to just understand what happens and why. I always feel like shit about everything I do and I wish it weren't that way.
Oh how many things I wish for. I sound terribly greedy, but I don't mean to. I'm not asking for happiness, I know I won't get that. But is contentment really too much to ask for? Or at least some form of apathy, so I don't have to feel like a constant waste of space. I don't know, I never thought it was, but apparently, it is.
Even as I sit here writing this entry I realize how stupid and pathetic it sounds. Everything about me is just stupid and pathetic and I'm just so fucking tired of it all.
Sometimes I wish I just had the guts to cut deeper into my wrists. I've only ever grazed the surface and I really do wish I could hit some sort of major artery and be done with it. Who the fuck am I kidding? Sometimes? Bullshit. All the time.
It's the one thought that simply never goes away. It's there and it's there to stay. I wish I weren't such a coward. I've been thinking this non stop for the past two or three years but have never had the courage to act on it.
As I said, stupid, pathetic, coward. That's all I am and that's all I'll ever be. No wonder people can't stand my presence. I can hardly stand it myself.
And the worst thing about it is that I can't pin this on some major issue going on in my life: I'm not discovering a new sexual orientation that people will judge me for, I'm straight as ever. I can't say it's the fault of any mental disease, I'm not bipolar or anything of the sort. I can't say it's because of my background, I was raised in a relatively wealthy home in the heart of a rich country, my parents never beat me, I was never raped or assaulted.
I've nothing that I can use to say: "See? This is why I'm so fucked up." Not that I want an excuse for others, but I would truly like to have a logical explanation for myself. I don't understand it and that really aggravates me.
I constantly have urges to tear at my wrists, claw at my eyes and pull out my hair. I wish I didn't. It's not that I like the pain: I truly hate it. But I just don't see any other way of making myself feel.
My body can't live up to what my mind is going through and so I constantly feel the need to make it. I just need to feel like I'm alive. Like I'm still here. And if scars on my wrists and fingernail marks on my face will do that, well, hell, what else can I do?
I know it'll seem totally stupid to anyone else, and I know it probably is, but for now, it's all I have that shows me that I'm somewhat sane. Well, sane's not the word for it, but, I don't know how to say what I feel.
I've never been good at communicating. I can write pages and pages without there ever being anything said. I can talk for hours without a meaningful word coming out of my mouth. And that annoys me almost as much as it freaks me out. Social skills are meant to be a part of human nature. And I hardly feel human. Hell, that sounds even dumber than I thought it would. I can't be anything but human, but I don't know, I just don't feel that way. I swear I don't.
My mind is a mess and on this I must leave. That's all for now.